Today I took a leap that my heart had been yearning for and I decided to listen to a voice muffled beneath the sensational noise of societal norms. I deleted Instagram and Facebook. I had permanently deleted twitter a while back, and facebook wasn’t so hard to detach from, but my biggest social media time guzzler was Instagram. I went for permanent IG deletion because deactivation hasn’t given me the space I want. Now that it is out of existence, I feel like an empty vessel in the best way possible, fresh room to be filled with unseen treasures of vitality. It is too soon to say how this will benefit my life, but I am certain it will. For now, I am celebrating the small victory of choosing me, giving myself a chance to live in my physical world more presently. The next step is to figure out what to do in the moments my thumbs would mindlessly twiddle straight to the IG icon, scrolling into a gazed trance of lives all but my own. I hope to read more, to spend more time on my studies, dive deeper into my art and most of all, be fully engaged in my closest relationships with friends, family and my partner. I am excited and curious to experience life without the option or urge to post the beauty all around me. My life is full of so many blessings, many of which cannot be captured behind a camera lens. I am beginning the process of calibrating my perspective to embrace life without a filter or edits. I am making a choice to live life unplugged. Maybe I will write a lot more now too.
I always assumed everything would just click one day. In a unique way it does, but for a while I was waiting for a special moment, a feeling of readiness to just be me, as if an awareness/self-love fairy would sprinkle womanhood dust on me in my sleep and I’d wake up feeling perfectly complete.
I’ve learned there is no special moment unless you make one…every second, of every day, be authentic for you. Wake up, choose to be grounded in spirit, show up and trust in God to have your back (universe, source, yourself, whatever you believe, just TRUST). On some days I may have to remind myself multiple times within the same hour that everything is okay and that my existence alone is simply enough. When I do fully surrender to that trust, beautiful synchronicities seem to fall into place as if they were meant to be exactly as they are. For years I’ve wrestled with anxiety, imposter syndrome and an insanely active inner dialogue that can be absolutely brutal. That is okay because I am working on it, running through the dark forests of my mind with a bright torch yelling GTFO! (Making room for love to grow in it’s place.)
The word “wellness” covers a wide pool of trendy topics, often used for profit, targeting all demographics with cleverly creative marketing angles. Nothing beats good ole capitalism right? Tis the society we raised, and like most parents, ‘we think we did our best’, but sometimes ‘best’ just isn’t good enough, especially in messy tangled situations. It’s fine, because there is a greater plan and we will transcend in due time as the collective soul awakens.
WELLNESS (far beyond overused tag lines in mainstream media) is a REAL pursuit towards an optimal life. True wellness is the foundation of self-perseverance inside and out (and it is your responsibility to water the garden of mind, body and spirit). It is an intimate relationship with the self that holds sacred validity on all vibrations. You are the only one who can have that much POWER over you. I strongly encourage myself and my fellow humans to use that power for goodness in hope that the raw truth we cultivate within ourselves will reflect out and nourish us, galvanizing and balancing the knotted webs of tethered energy choking this world. If we set ourselves free, we set each other free…like a massive lung taking a big huge breath of fresh air. Exhale. Woosah.
Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu. (“May all beings be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and freedom for all.”)
This little place of mine here online has periods of being neglected in which I completely pretend it doesn’t exist at all. That is totally okay.
When I plug back in and read comments that spark my soul, it gives me fuel to write again and to share whatever I’m feeling freely. (I’d rather express true words every now and then instead of spitting consistent bull to meet some expectation.)
This blog started out as a sort of diary towards a better me. Then pressure built up from people around me as to what I “should” be doing. I realize as I’ve gotten older, that the process of filtering my own thoughts from others’ opinions has become less of an innately automatic occurrence, and more of an anxiety trigger. Anxiety is a crippling liar wearing a mask called fear. I struggle with this and it manifests in procrastination and indecision. Love the journey, right?
How do you begin to traverse such a multi-dimensional space?
I have so many questions and although I may not have answers to most of them, there is one thing I’ve realized and accepted in 26 years of living —I need roots, the kind of roots that my brain can build a healthy life upon. They say networking is important—making connections or whatever.
“It’s not what ya know, it’s who ya know.” Right?
But who are you? Do you really know you?
We are what we think and what we do, a production of thoughts and actions. So, with that truth, we must recognize that the relationship we have with ourselves is a powerful connection that truly matters. Without establishing that bond, there’s no true beginning. How do you know where you are if you don’t remember or care about where you started?
I was feeling feels this morning thinking about beauty, societal conditioning and the release of endorphins that is associated with feeling beautiful. There are so many variables associated, both internal and external. (This was all after posting a photo of myself on Instagram.) I have a tendency to delete the photos I post because I don’t want to be vain. I teeter totter on a tight rope of shoulds shouldn’t in regards to anything focusing on appearance. I have a strong appreciation for authenticity, individuality and intelligence. Focusing on the way I look was always more of a distraction than anything else.
I always tell myself I want to be someone my younger self would think is awesome.
I was an inquisitive kid, I eavesdropped on adult conversations and asked questions so much that my Mom paid me to be quiet on more than one occasion. I remember wondering what made people the way they are.
Sometimes I have conversations with the idea of my younger self (1st/2nd grade) and I ask her questions about staying true to myself…How are we doing? Are you happy with who we are becoming?
This could just be the crazy in me but I do really thinks it’s a powerful exercise and it’s shaped my life in many ways. It keeps me in tune with my inner child, with adventure, curiosity, vulnerability and honesty.
Kids are wise in ways we only hope to never forget. What better kid to consult with than yourself?
The kid who knows all your deepest wildest dreams. The kid who knows the snotty side of you that the world frowns upon. The kid that wasn’t afraid of judgement until the world taught them to be. The kid that has your back. The kid that can help you find your freedom.
Live in divine purpose, love the journey, and seek the light of truth. Know that each and every one of us carries a unique light with the potential to illuminate the shadows of existence, unveiling the beauty of all that is yet to be discovered and understood. My expanse into this portal of revelation is through immersion in art, yoga and science; the intimidation of the unknown dancing with the thirst of curiosity. In my search to find where these phenomena collide, I met a true appreciation for the quenching awesomeness of knowledge, the essence of wonder; a path to freedom.
You don’t have to explain everything to everyone. Your life is yours alone to understand. Like abstract art, it’s simply there… it speaks a story without saying anything at all. People may have different interpretations of your life that are far from your own, some may make assumptions about what you do or why. Sometimes these judgements come from the ones we care deeply about; friends, family, peers etc.
That’s okay. That’s expected. That’s a part of life.
What matters is your genuine honesty with all that is you!
Stand tall on your two feet and walk the walk. It’s your journey…the only person who needs to grasp the impact and purpose of each step is you.